Committed to “That Feeling”
“ It was encouraging to have a community that was also doing this type of spiritual exploration, but I never voiced my fears.”
Years ago, when I set off to mindfully start my Spiritual journey, I had no idea where it would lead. I remember being a seeker from a young age but didn’t know how or what to do. All I knew was that I was thirsty for more and I wanted to experience what I then called God for myself.
I grew up Catholic, but only made it as far as my first communion. I remember as a kid and teenager loving the whole ritual of the services. The routine of standing, kneeling, sitting, and doing it all over again spoke to my routinely programmed self (I grew up with a lot of routines). My only qualm was that I wanted my own Bible, and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t have one. At least that was what I was told as a kid, so I clung to my prayer book that I was gifted when I made my first communion. I loved memorizing the prayers and praying the rosary, I would often have “that feeling”.
As a kid we also visited Mexico many summers and many Christmas holidays. We would often visit family and take off to another region making frequent visits to churches and chapels along the way. I love the mysterious feeling sense (aka “that feeling”) that I would have when I felt a presence of something familiar, yet unfamiliar in many ways. I was always curious about this feeling that I would also feel when I looked at the moon, felt the warmth of the sun, or drive by an amazing mountain scene, or was in the ocean.
In my late teens and early 20’s I unknowingly seem to have disconnected from this for a short period. I got married at 19 to a Muslim man, who knew I was a seeker, and he asked me to convert. I gave it an honest go. I got my own Koran (I had acquired my own Bible at this point) and began to read it. I would try to delve in and get the feeling sense that I had gotten from the Bible, or other sacred places that I had been to, but I just didn’t feel it. I was still thirsty.
I was invited to a non-denominational church service; the music was great and I felt “that feeling”. I kept attending the services at that church for many years. Then we moved, and the commute was long and somewhat difficult to make 2-3 times per week. This prompted me to visit various churches in my area. I hated visiting churches. I remember people either being way too smothering (fake in some cases) or cold and aloof. I eventually settled on a church that I liked, became super involved and after years of giving from an empty well I burned out.
I was also feeling my connection to Jesus dwindle. “That feeling” that I had experienced from being “saved” and later being “on fire for Jesus” had gone away no matter how much time I would spend in my prayer closet. I blamed myself and I felt a lot of shame and hid from my own feelings. I set out to find a different church, hoping to find the connection again. At that time, I decided to shift my morning practice. I would spend time with the question “If God is love, then what is love”? Some days I would say the word “love” over and over again because that was all I could muster the courage to do. I had a deep sense that I was about to go through significant changes. As I journaled, I began to take a deep look within myself and who I had become.
During that time, I had also lost connection with a lot of friends who I was still very fond of. My religious beliefs no longer allowed me to engage with them because of “what the Bible says”. I didn’t even get to say good-bye to one of the most impactful people from my twenties, because religion told me his lifestyle was wrong. He died a slow death and I never got to say good-bye before he left his human body.
What this time and experience really showed me was that I was living life in a place of judgement and criticism. It was throwing me deeper and deeper into my own pool of self-hatred, judgement of myself and others. I was dying a slow death every day not living and loving to my highest potential. I felt I could never measure up to the perfection that I was being led to believe that I needed to be. I asked myself what I really wanted. What came up was to love life, thirst for life and live a quenching life! I wanted deep connection with “that feeling”.
Fortunately for me, I found a church with a “Pastor” who was also feeling the call to go deeper spiritually. He led us to different resources and encouraged us to seek and share what we were learning. I’ve since dubbed him as my Spiritual Father, as his permission to explore opened up a whole new world for me. I began meditation, connecting with nature, studying Shamanism and other practices like metaphysics. “That feeling” began to come back and has only grown as I continue to seek.
As I reflect, I remember the fear that I had to seek out different spiritual practices. I’d question if I was going to the literal hell that I had been led to believe existed for people who sought outside of religion? How would I explain my practices to people, and what would they say? It was encouraging to have a community that was also doing this type of spiritual exploration, but I never voiced my fears. The one thing I had come to know is that I needed to continue because “that feeling”, my connectedness to the Divine was what I needed at a soul level.
There was one conversation that I had with my Spiritual Father that stands out in my mind. He once said to me that I had really gone deep into the spiritual rabbit hole and asked if I was willing to go back. I thought about it, and still do at times. My answer was and still is a firm “No”. I have found more love, grace and compassion for myself, for individual people and the collective than ever before. I still have a lot to learn about love, and if I confine myself to the box that I was once in I fear that I will lose “that feeling”.