The Journey to Self-Love
A year ago, around the time the pandemic hit, I set out on a journey to learn to radically love and accept myself unconditionally (see The Most Important Relationship of My Life). I have been doing this work for over a decade, but I felt like I had become complacent in my relationship with myself; almost like a marriage where one of the partners stops trying. This can happen in friendships, with family members, and yes within ourselves.
In this relationship to myself, it was my ego that was neglecting my true self. The thought of re-falling in love with myself seemed so exciting and full of ease and flow at the time. I imagined all of the hot dates I would take myself on and so on. However, it took me into a deep journey of really having to witness myself on the emotional, mind, physical and spiritual levels. It has been intense! If there is anything that I have learned it is that when you set out to do deep inner work, all of the worthy lessons show up to test you and they aren’t always rosy.
In the beginning I ignored many of the lessons that were surfacing because they were painful. I would vacillate from being in criticism and judgement. Or I pretended that the lessons were not real. I kept telling myself that I had already done that work and going deeper was useless; this was my way of bypassing my emotions and spirituality (oh, and my mind and body too – I was suffering on all levels). I only wanted to see the areas that were flowery and lovely. But the truth was that deep within myself, there were dark areas where I still withheld love from myself. What scared me most was that many of the lessons I felt that I had “conquered” before were showing up again.
This darkness started to show up in situations and relationships that I was attracting. I found myself in an unsupportive and ruthless work environment. I encountered people who were mean, back-stabbing and hyper-critical. I stayed in that situation out of fear.
Then the big reality dropped in. That is how I was treating myself internally – I had become disconnected with my TRUE SELF. I was not listening to my inner wisdom, in fact I was flat out ignoring it. I was allowing people to be mean to me by not using my voice to speak up for myself. Lastly, I was being hyper-critical of myself for “not fitting in” a toxic environment, then I used it against myself and became even more critical toward myself when I was turned away from that environment.
My truth became clear and I knew I needed to delve deeper into the inner work because I had already come to terms with idea that I will be everywhere that I go, and if I can’t love and accept myself exactly as I am, I will never be happy or find joy and I will continue to have experiences like the one that I had just left.
Sadly, our society will tell us differently. We are taught to be super critical of ourselves. We are taught to strive to be and do better. This is deep rooted with in us. Yet, I have always known that that deep self-compassion and self-love is what has healed me time and time again. I needed to soften up with myself- AGAIN!
I began to ask Creator (God, Spirit, whatever you call your greater power) to help me see myself through their eyes. I began to see more beauty than I have noticed before. On my walks I would encounter some of the most beautiful wildlife and joyful people. The colors and sounds were more vibrant than I ever remembered. Many of my relationships deepened to a new level of authenticity and mutual admiration. This was only a glimpse of how Creator sees me or you!
It has taken a bit of time and reflection for me to process all of that. I keep finding myself needing to redirect myself to self-love and compassion. I’m seeing more glimpses of the truth of who I am and loving myself in a new and deeper way. I know this is true because I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day and my heart beamed with love for the image that was reflected back to me. I got teary eyed because it’s taken some time to get here, as I used to always give myself some sort of negative criticism. I am trading that in for a deeper admiration of myself. I also reminded myself that fully enjoying the rose means that you have to embrace the thorns too.
Can you imagine how we would all treat each other if we deepened our relationships within ourselves? The world would be a much healthier place.
Learning to love yourself is a journey. It takes time commitment, courage, grace, and often times compassionate outside help. It is never a linear journey and takes a few rounds before the healing is complete, and then we find something else that needs healing. However, the deeper we allow ourselves to go, the better we become; it’s part of our human experience.
The person I was 13 years ago when I started this work is very different from who I am today. I’d rather hang out with the Adelee I am now rather than who I was then. The judgement I had against myself back then would have me believing that I was scum and worthless. I am grateful for where I am, and I give honor to the time it’s taken time to get here! Cheers to the healing journey!
If this sound like something you are going through, it may be time to get help from a coach. Schedule a free consultation with me to see if this will help you.